Strengthening Relationships: Focusing on the 'Whos' and the 'Whys' of gospel living instead of the "Whats'

(A friend asked me to share a talk I gave in sacrament meeting today, so here you go!)

When I was in fourth grade, I got glasses for the first time. I’ll never forget coming out of the office and being able to see clearly the individual leaves on the trees.  Those glasses were a tool that helped my eyes focus properly for the first time in a long time and I was very grateful for them. 

All of us have experiences in our lives that cause us to see clearly and refocus on what matters most.  They are usually both the best and the worst days of our life.  
For me, some of these instances have  occurred on the beautiful day that Ty and I made eternal covenants in the St George temple;

 the day each of our children were born; 
the weekend Lydia spent in the NICU because she had an hour long seizure at age 18 months;

 the phone call that my Grandpa had died unexpectedly;  
the passing of 2 other grandparents since; 
the doctor’s visit that changed our life learning about Bri’s rare disorder;

 being in the temple with Lydia for the first time;
 the rollercoaster journey of my niece’s leukemia diagnosis, the day she was declared cancer free, when she relapsed, and now as she's miraculously cancer free and thriving again.

As we passed through these experiences, the frivolities of life that we spend so much time on suddenly held little importance.  We didn’t care about the score of the game, the latest television series, the clothes anyone was wearing or the latest Facebook posts.  The laundry piled high didn’t matter much, and the decorations on the wall became unnoticed.  It is in those moments and during those times, both good and bad, that we are given the glasses to see what matters most. Pres Uchtdorf explains what that is:  “As we turn to our Heavenly Father and seek His wisdom regarding the things that matter most, we learn over and over again the importance of four key relationships: with our God, with our families, with our fellowman, and with ourselves.”

That is what we see with our glasses of clarity - people, not things. 

So how do we put the emphasis in our lives on these relationships that matter most?

It requires time and work, and the list of things we need to do to nourish each of those relationships can become overwhelming.  Even trying to decide what the basics of living the gospel are can be lengthy - scripture study, prayer, Sabbath worship, temple attendance, repentance, fasting, nurturing our marriage and family, fulfilling our callings, serving our fellowman, home and visiting teaching, doing family history and member missionary work - all amazing things, but it is easy to get caught up in the list of the “WHATS” that gospel living encourages, and feel like we are falling short.  The times that I grumble over my motherhood or my church callings are the times that I am only focused on the “to-do list.” 

There are two teachings that have been a game changer for me the last two months in reminding me how to focus on the “WHOS, AND THE WHYS in gospel living, instead of just the WHATS.”

The first is D&C 64:33:

 "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”

When I read this recently, it pricked my mother heart, speaking volumes of lessons with the simplest whisper. 

‘Be not weary in well-doing.’ 

‘Ye are laying the foundation of a great work’

‘Out of small things proceedeth that which is great’

 Weary was definitely how I was feeling as I focused primarily on my tasks that seemed to last all day and yet never be accomplished.  This feeling is not isolated to motherhood, and I would guess most everyone here has felt that same way in your own circumstances at times. 

But this verse reminded me to focus on the “WHO, AND THE WHY” behind what I do every day, instead of the “WHAT.” 

The second teaching that  has changed my attitude and behavior is a simple sentence that Pres Abbott said during our recent stake conference:  “If we love those we serve, we will do the work.”  He was referring to family history work, but it applies so well to all the work of the gospel.  ‘If we love those we serve, we will do the work.’

  

When love is our motive, we aren’t weary in our well doing.  Our actions are focused on “who” and “why” instead of just a check-list of “what’s.”  We will do the work of laundry, of dishes, of re-reading the same bedtime book again, of staying in touch with our visiting teaching sisters, of doing the chore so our spouse won’t have to, of following the prompting even when it’s inconvenient. We will do the work of compromising and  repenting and forgiving.  And we will find strength and rejuvenation through the work because it’s done in love, after the pattern of our Savior. 

So let’s look a little closer at the small and simple things that we can do to strengthen those 4 key relationships. 

God

Pres Uchtdorf teaches: “…Our relationship with God is most sacred and vital. We are His spirit children. He is our Father. He desires our happiness. As we seek Him, as we learn of His Son, Jesus Christ, as we open our hearts to the influence of the Holy Spirit, our lives become more stable and secure. We experience greater peace, joy, and fulfillment as we give our best to live according to God’s eternal plan and keep His commandments….”

In a recent email home, Sister Kaydee Bingham testified that:

“…just know that God is totally mindful of you. All of the time. He only gives us hard times so that we can learn from them and become better. I can't stress enough how important it is to turn to Him at all times, and talk to Him everyday. He never ever forgets about you, even when you might feel you've reached your lowest point. He knows when you are lost, and He knows where you are. He knows your grief. Your silent pleadings. Your fears. Your tears. It doesn't matter how you became lost...whether it's because of your own poor choices or because of circumstances beyond your control. What matters is that you are His child. And he loves you. He LOVES His children.

Never forget who you are and whose you are! That alone can get you through your hardest days.” 

 The letters from the missionaries serving in our ward are a blessing to me. I love Kaydee and her enthusiastic joy for the power of God’s love in our life. 

Returning to Pres Uchtdorf’s words: “To strengthen our relationship with God, we need some meaningful time alone with Him. Quietly focusing on daily personal prayer and scripture study, always aiming to be worthy of a current temple recommend—these will be some wise investments of our time and efforts to draw closer to our Heavenly Father.” 

One thing that Elder Arden Bundy is always encouraging us to do in his messages home is to strengthen our relationship with God through prayer.  He recently said, “I testify to all you that God is our Father in Heaven and he loves us and we need to talk to him through prayer because he misses us when we don't talk to him.”

Along with prayer, time set aside for scripture study is always a benefit to us.  The top way I have combatted weariness this year has been to wake up earlier and focus on physical and spiritual health.  It initially seemed counterintuitive to me that I could feel more awake and rejuvenated by getting less sleep, but every day that I have scripture study before my kids wake up has greatly magnified my ability that day to be more patient, productive, and happy, as well as increase my understanding of God’s word.  It has been another witness to me that when we are willing to sacrifice for the Lord, His blessings to us are exponentially greater than what we give Him.

I know that as we purposefully set aside time to focus on strengthening our relationship with God, we will come to have a greater understanding of His love for us, and our faith and trust in His plan for us will increase.  We will desire to study His word and pray because we love Him - not because we feel like it is another expected demand on our time.

Family

Our second key relationship is with our family. 

Pres Uchtdorf counsels, “We build deep and loving family relationships by doing simple things together, like family dinner and family home evening and by just having fun together. …Taking time for each other is the key for harmony at home. We talk with, rather than about, each other. We learn from each other, and we appreciate our differences as well as our commonalities. We establish a divine bond with each other as we approach God together through family prayer, gospel study, and Sunday worship.”

Elder Ballard shared a story that hits close to home:

Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: “The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. … I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day… And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less” (Loud and Clear [2004], 10–11).

Perhaps Pres. Packer said it best, “Family time is sacred time and should be protected and respected.”

Fellowman

Pres Uchtdorf says, “The third key relationship we have is with our fellowman.  We build this relationship one person at a time—by being sensitive to the needs of others, serving them, and giving of our time and talents.”  

It truly is the small and simple things we do daily that can positively impact those around us.  When we follow the Spirit, we can be prompted to help in ways that are really needed.  When one of my babies was a newborn, a friend showed up at my doorstep with lunch one day.  I needed that small and kind act that day so badly.  There are so many ways that we can serve and be like our Savior.  That is the essence of the gospel.  If we don’t turn our faith into action, and become like the Savior - what is the point of all the hours we spend here?  

When we serve others, we are blessed as well.  Elder Jaden Hollingshead described it this way:

“I know that life is full of trials and hard times but if we do all we can, turn outward, and think of others rather than our self, our big brother Jesus Christ will not forsake us but lift and give us strength to overcome all…He will not forget us.”  

One of the best things we can do for our fellow man is share the hope and joy that come through the gospel of Jesus Christ. Elder Garret Hafen issued the following challenge: “I hope everyone is reading from the Book of Mormon. One thing I try to do now more than ever on my mission is always have a BOM in my hands and to hand a BOM to everyone that I see.... for some reason it gives me great Joy when I hand a BOM to someone. It is only one of many things that me as a missionary and all of us as members can offer. Find Joy in sharing the Gospel with your neighbors, Friends and Family. There are many different ways to do missionary work!” 

Elder Addison Biasi shares his enthusiasm. He wrote, “The work is going awesome and the Lord is blessing us with success and a ton of miracles. It’s awesome to see how the Lord puts those ready for the gospel in our way.”  I recently experienced this as well. 

I have never been a very good missionary - timid in sharing my testimony in public spheres.  Growing up with the teachings of this church, it is hard for me to imagine what life is like without them. But I’ve had had a humbling opportunity that has better opened my eyes to the changes the gospel truths can bring.  Last year a good acquaintance opened up to me about many hard things she had been through in the past several years with the deaths and illnesses of close family members. It was heartbreaking to see her despair.  I hesitantly asked her if she had a faith to rely on to help give her hope and comfort?  She replied that the circumstances of her childhood had prevented her family from attending any church and it wasn’t something her husband and she had done while raising their children either.  I fumbled through some more questions and comments, sharing a small testimony on the hope and comfort that my belief in Jesus Christ has given me throughout my life, and that I knew that God loved her and has a plan for his children.  My words weren’t smooth or spectacular.  It was no model lesson in sharing the gospel.  But my love was sincere, and she could feel the spirit of what I was sharing.  I gave her a Book of Mormon the next day, and she has slowly been learning more about the Church and attending.  She doesn’t live locally, but I still try and talk with her when I can.  A few weeks ago, she opened up and shared what learning about God’s plan has done for her.  She said last year she cried every day and felt hopeless.  She now has her smile back and has peace.  She knows that she is a daughter of God and that He has a plan for us.   It was a very humbling experience for me, and made me realize how much I take what I know for granted.  It is the best gift we have been given and why wouldn’t we want to share that with others?  

Ourselves

Last year when Elder Tyler Hughes had been on his mission for 11 months, his mission president asked him how he had changed. Part of what Tyler said was, “My life has come more into focus.  I have more respect for people and for myself.”  I love that.  What we think of ourself really does matter and is the fourth key relationship to nourish.  Pres. Uchtdorf says, “It may seem odd to think of having a relationship with ourselves, but we do. Some people can’t get along with themselves. They criticize and belittle themselves all day long until they begin to hate themselves. May I suggest that you reduce the rush and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better… Learn to see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you—as His precious daughter or son with divine potential.”

I think we can strengthen our relationship with ourself as we become more confident in that divine identity, and as we do things that bring us joy.  Reading my patriarchal blessing occasionally, and going to the temple are some of my favorite ways to be reminded of how God sees me as his divine daughter. 

Another change I have made this year that has helped me not be weary in well doing has been to allow myself some time to do things I enjoy each day.  Speaking to the sisters of the Church, Elder Ballard gave advice that is applicable to everyone, “…Even as you try to cut out the extra commitments, sisters, find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests. Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, and make time for them. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children…Turn to the Lord in faith, and you will know what to do and how to do it.”

I have long since traded those fourth grade glasses for contacts, and when I get too much build-up on them - I can no longer see clearly, and have to refresh and trade them out for a new pair.  The stresses and worries of life can easily build up on us - making it hard to see clearly and focus on what matters most.  I know that as we slow down to refresh and do the WHATS of gospel living while focusing our purpose on the WHOS AND WHYS, it enables us to do the work out of love, and not get overburdened. It can help us learn HOW we can make it through the storms of life, and WHO the Lord would have us become through them.  Elder Bednar promised that “Ordinary people who faithfully, diligently, and consistently do simple things that are right before God will bring forth extraordinary results.” This is especially true when we work to strengthen our relationship with God, our family, our fellowman, and ourself. 

What the Resurrection Means to Me

“The Resurrection is at the core of our beliefs as Christians. Without it, our faith is meaningless.” 

-Elder Joseph B Wirthlin 

Last Sunday, my husband and I had the opportunity to speak at our LDS Stake Youth Fireside (for youth ages 12-18).  We were asked to speak on: 'What does the Resurrection mean to me?'  Here is my talk:

When I contemplated the question we were asked, ‘What does the Resurrection mean to me,’ the answer that shortly came to my mind was: “Everything!”

The hope and assurance I have of a glorious Resurrection is the major driving force behind my desire to keep God’s commandments and my covenants in this life, so that I will be able to receive the blessings God has promised in the next.  

There are 3 specific blessings we are promised through the Resurrection that give me the hope and faith to endure the trials of this life.  I would like to share with you some personal experiences that illustrate how important these blessings are to me. 

The first promise to each of us is that at the Resurrection our body and spirit will be reunited in an immortal state, no longer suffering disease or death.  No one needs to look far to see the suffering and heartache caused by disease, and the pains of a mortal body strike at every age. A perfect, healthy body is a blessing that our four-year old daughter, Bri, speaks of regularly.  

Here is a picture of her and my four-year old niece, Taleah, who is currently battling leukemia. Every prayer said in our home includes a plea for the renewed health of her, Ethan, Sharon, and other family & friends.

Bri often shares with me her strong and sure testimony of the Resurrection. She frequently says, “When Jesus comes again, I won’t have PKU and Taleah won’t have cancer.”

Here are a few more pictures of Bri:

This beautiful daughter of ours was born with a rare genetic food processing disorder called PKU that she will have her whole life.  To stay healthy, she has to be on a very strict and limited diet that excludes many of the foods that the rest of us eat every day.  She has daily medications, regular blood tests, and frequent contact with a dietitian and genetic specialist.  As she gets older, it will become an even greater challenge and trial for her.  

 I will share with you an excerpt from my journal that describes how I felt the day we received the news of her diagnosis. I wrote:

“I took Bri to the pediatrician’s office to do the follow-up tests that were needed.  The next hour was an overwhelming blur.  My sweet and tiny twelve-day old baby had to have her blood drawn from two locations and have a catheter inserted for a urine sample.  I stood in the hall, listening to her scream, with tears streaming down my face as I tried to process the words I had just heard coming from the doctor’s mouth: “metabolic disorder...no cure...can’t process protein...treatable through a severely restricted diet...can cause severe mental retardation, seizures, eczema, restricted head growth, hyperactivity, and IQ loss.”

To sit in that room and look at my beautiful brand new baby and hear the words ‘severe brain damage’ seemed so irreconcilable in my mind...I was so worried that her brain had already been affected and that every second without treatment was harming her.”

The frailties of a human body truly cause much of life’s heartache.  In the four years since Bri’s birth, I have gained greater knowledge and understanding that I couple with faith in God to help me feel peace and comfort for her future.  Even at a young age, Bri handles her health difference with great strength and maturity, but she and I already know and rejoice in the knowledge that one day she won’t have PKU anymore. 

Elder Dallin H Oaks described my second reason for rejoicing in the Resurrection. “The assurance of immortality also helps us bear the mortal separations involved in the death of our loved ones...We should all praise God for the assured resurrection that makes our mortal separations temporary and gives us the hope and strength to carry on.”

This is my mother, Kristin and me.  

By the accounts of everyone who knew her, she was a truly remarkable woman with a heart of gold and the kindly attributes of an earthly angel. She died when I was a two after a several week illness caused by a virus that attacked her organs and shut her heart down.  She was 26 years old.  I was two, my older brother was four, and my baby brother was 6 months old when she died.  And although I have also gained great blessings because of this trial, not having her here in this life with me is a painful separation.  I cannot talk to her or ask her advice.  She wasn’t visible at my side in the temple on my wedding day.  She can’t be with me physically at the birth or milestones of my children.  Death is truly another of mortality’s heartaches.  But again, the assurance of a Resurrection keeps my sorrow from becoming despair, and fuels me to live a life that will gain me the blessings of being eternally reunited with my mother.  I know that I can be with her again and that the length of our separation now is but a small moment in the scheme of our eternal relationship.

Which leads me to the 3rd reason I rejoice in the Resurrection.  The Prophet George Albert Smith explains, “The assurance that our relationship here as parents and children, as husbands and wives will continue in heaven ... fills us with hope and joy.” 

This is a picture of the things most dear to me.  

My husband, the four children here, and the little girl that will join our family in a few months.  My opportunity to be a wife and mother is my greatest blessing, and these people are the treasure I want to have in heaven.  Because of the Atonement and Resurrection of Jesus Christ, and the covenants I have made with him, God has promised me that I can be with my family forever, IF, and I emphasize IF, I enact the power of the Atonement and strive to keep those covenants I have made at baptism and most importantly, in the temple.  I want those blessings.  There is nothing more important.  

As you continue on your path in mortality, each of you will have your own trials and heartaches to endure, at which time a testimony of the Atonement & Resurrection will be vital to your faith and hope.  Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin explains beautifully the enduring strength that comes from an understanding of the Resurrection:

“I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross...

On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled.

It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God.

I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world’s history, that Friday was the darkest.  But the doom of that day did not endure.

The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord...ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind.

In an instant the eyes that had been filled with ever-flowing tears dried...for Jesus the Christ, stood before them as proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence."

Elder Wirthlin continues:

"Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you...—Sunday will come...No matter our desperation, no matter our grief... In this life or the next, Sunday will come.”

Thank you for letting me share with you a few of my Fridays, and my strong and steadfast testimony that Sunday does come.  I know without hesitation that the Savior Atoned and was Resurrected for us.  I know because I have asked my Heavenly Father through prayer and have received multiple witnesses through the Holy Ghost.  I know that we will each receive an immortal body free from pain and sickness, and that we have been given the tools to seal our families together, that we may be reunited with the loved ones we have lost and will lose through death.  I know that a testimony of the Resurrection is a treasure we all need, and encourage you to seek & strengthen your own. Because when those trials do come, that testimony will mean everything to you too.

Ages & Stages

Child development is fascinating to observe.  Here are some thoughts on the current states of my children:

Child #1:  Age 7
I love having a daughter who is old enough to be quite helpful! We are both stubborn know-it-alls, so we still battle frequently {the thought of her teenage years scare me!}, but she is really blossoming in her oldest child role.  She likes to help me cook, help Dad wash dishes, cleans up well when asked, and is very good about changing Bri's diaper and helping her get to bed.  It's fun to have her reading and writing now too.  Because then, I occasionally find sweet messages like this around my house:

Child #2: Age 5
Little boys are fun to watch grow up!  He is happy most of the time, which brings sunshine to my soul. We just finished up a round of flag football, where he dubbed himself "The Touchdown King."  Good thing he got his Dad's speed and agility and not mine!  I just hope that he eventually outgrows his penchant for peeing on the fence outside! But I'm sure he will be teaching that trick to his new brother, who he is SO incredibly excited to get here, and who he has decided should be named Dash.

Child #3 (Age 2) & Child #4 (should make his arrival in about 5-6 weeks):
Here is my frequent view of children 3 & 4 these days.

 

My thoughts on these two?  Last trimester pregnancy is not fun at all.  Potty training is not fun at all. 

What happens when you combine these two things?  When your daughter pees her pants on your lap, but only a small spot of it gets on your pants, it is easier to pretend like it's not there than put forth the effort to peel the maternity jeans off and put on a new pair.  Don't worry, once removed, I will wash them before I wear them again.  Unless that's one more thing my pregnant brain forgets about!   

Inspiration

My desire to write a journal stems from several sources.

*The first is this pretty lady here.

She is one of the two special women that I get to call 'Mom.'
She was a dedicated writer and I now have copies of four of her journals.  The opening statement on her last journal reads, "How exciting to be able to share my thoughts, feelings, and testimony to all who may read this. I hope that I can inspire and uplift and be an example."  As she recorded her every day life, I'm sure she never anticipated how true that statement would be or how important her journaling would become to her posterity.  How important they would be to me.

The journals that she wrote have been the most valuable insight I have received into the character and personality of this great woman who died when I was two.  They allow me to connect with her, to be inspired by her, to feel relief that struggled with some of the same things that I struggle with, and to see a bit of myself in her.  They excite me for the day when we will be together again and help ease the sorrow of an earthly separation. 

So, I journal for posterity as well.  I plan to be around to bother them for a long time, but hope that my children, especially my daughters, can find love, guidance, and relief as they pass through similar situations that I have faced. That when I literally can't remember anymore how it feels to have a two year old tasmanian devil in the house, that we can look back at my records and find a connection.  I also want them to always know that I love the Lord and have a testimony of His love and plan. 


*Another source of inspiration for me is a talk that was given by Elder Henry B. Eyring, "O Remember, Remember".  His example continues to encourage me to be better about consistent record keeping.  Here is a small taste of what he taught:  "When our children were very small, I started to write down a few things about what happened every day. I never missed a day no matter how tired I was or how early I would have to start the next day. Before I would write, I would ponder this question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?” As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done."


*One of my goals with journal writing is to establish greater consistency - not waiting for large events to write.  I love this thought I read in a Richard Paul Evans novel (The Walk):  "If I wait to write just the important things then I'll probably never write anything, because important things just look like everything else except when you look back on them."   I think that's precisely what happens during these years of young motherhood.  The significance of our daily doings can easily melt into a continuous cycle of monotony if we never step back to realize the wonderment of it all.  I saw this quote on another blog today that sums it up.

I would actually like to amend one thing though. The small and simple tasks that make up our days with toddlers are great and noble, because of the great and noble beings they are attached to.  So you'll have to check back and see if I can increase my efforts to record these small tasks, and the great and noble blessings that come with them.

Funny Friday: #1

I hope to be better about writing down the funny things my kids say,
so here is the first installment of 'Funny Friday.'

*The other day Drake (age 5) had bad gas for some reason.  After flatulating for the fourth time in a half hour, he looked at me and said, "Mom, I don't know what's wrong with my bum!"

*{This one is actually more sweet than funny.} 
After I finished doing Brielle's (age 2) hair on Sunday, I said to her, "Bri, look!  Who's that pretty girl in the mirror?"  She looked up and replied, "Mom!"  {...totally melted my heart!...}

One of THOSE days...

Illness has been running rampant through our neck of the woods and our family has been hit repeatedly by her forces over the last few weeks.  My five year old Drakey boy is the latest victim and here is a glimpse of our past day:

*Yesterday afternoon, Drake started in with a croupy cough.
*He went to bed at eight and woke up around nine due to an inability to stop coughing and breathe well.
*Ty got him calmed down and back to sleep.
*An hour later, he was back up and then fell asleep in my bed.
*2:30-4:00 am:  We were awake because he couldn't stop coughing.
*4:00-5:30 am:  Asleep
*5:30 am:  Awake for the day due to more coughing
*8:30 am:  Bri pees her pants so she and Drake are now getting a bath.
*9:00 am:  Lydi is off to school.
*9:45 am:  I take Ty his forgotten cell phone
*10:00 am:  Go to our local instacare for Drake's croup because our pediatrician is 45 minutes away and I am not up for that today. I am told that the wait will be at least two hours, but a doctor at the affiliated medical group can see him in one hour.
*10:10 am:  Back in the car to waste an hour. Bri falls asleep, ruining her nap for the day.
*10:55 am:  Check in to the doctor's office.
*11:30 am:  Finally get called back to see the doctor.
*12:05 pm:  Finally actually see the new, very nice, very young doctor
*12:15 pm:  Leave EMPTY HANDED from the doctor's office!  Even after I kindly explain to said doctor about the one-time oral medication that has helped Drake tremendously for his croup in the past {prescribed by two different doctors in an adjoining state}, she says she can't do anything because during her pediatric rotation she only saw that medication administered in the ER and she herself has never prescribed it before.  And besides, "his cough doesn't sound croupy right now."  No disrespect ma'am, but of course it doesn't!  I will be sure and call you back in the middle of the night tonight when his symptoms reappear.  Now, I obviously don't want a doctor to ever do something they feel wrong about, but I was so frustrated to have just wasted the last two and a half hours for no reason!  It was a big reminder to me that kids are really best seen by pediatricians.  And the ironic thing - it would have taken me less time to see the pediatrician that is 45 minutes away!!
*12:17 pm:  A sad mommy is fulfilling her promise to her well behaved son by getting him a Happy Meal from McDonalds.  But alas, in the spirit of the day, they get our order wrong. Twice.  sigh...
*12:25 pm:  Mommy walks into her house, greeted by the many piles of dishes and clutter that await her attention.  And let's not forget that her dear daughter will not be having a nap today. 
It is definitely one of those days!!

Thank goodness for the phone sympathy of a mom, hubby, and good friend.  And the bag of Easter candy is offering some nice therapy too.  ;)

***Bright spot of the day.  When we were waiting in the doctor's office, Drake turned to me and said, "Maybe she's taking so long because she's watching a basketball game."  That made me laugh out loud.  Son, I love you!  The unexpected and undesired pitstops in the road of motherhood are all worth it and give us appreciation for the abundance of smooth days.  I wouldn't trade this for anything.

Wrecking Ball

So I had to place a child proof lock on my bathroom door this week.
Why? To prevent the continued "creative" behavior of my beloved two-year old.
{Perhaps I should just rename this blog to "Chronicles of a Two-Year Old!}

My make-up drawer draws her like a magnet and holds her new favorite art materials.
And at this time, I feel the need to forewarn her future husband about her apparently expensive taste.
See, I have a drawer full of products ranging in value from dollar store, to drug store, to department store.
And out of all of her choices, what items did she "re-purpose" this week while I was helping her siblings get ready for school?
-My half full MAC powder foundation was dropped, then dumped to become a nice new floor covering.
-My almost full Clinique facial moisturizer tub was enjoyed as a full body moisturizer.
-My two tubes of Burt's Bees lip color paired nicely with my favorite eyeshadow brush to paint the white fur on one of her sister's favorite stuffed animals.
-And in an unrelated incident this week, she decided to bite and therefore scratch my prescription eyeglasses!
Who knew that creativity could cost so much??

Even with all of this, Bri is still one of the cutest two-year-olds around.
Such a sweetheart who is wrapped up in every one of my heartstrings.
I'm pretty sure I know why God made two-year-olds so unbelievably adorable, funny, & lovable.
Because they would get in a lot more trouble if they weren't!

post script
So, older sister just discovered the lipstick based disfigurement of her stuffed animal.  Let's just say that she won't be describing her little sister as anything close to 'adorable' any time soon!

Make Me Equal to the Task

{BACKGROUND: Our third child Bri, a beautiful two-year old, has an inherited metabolic disorder, PKU. Her liver is deficient in an enzyme needed to properly metabolize one of the amino acids in protein.  If she ate the same food as the rest of us, it would cause severe mental disability and a whole slew of other problems. Thankfully, these can be avoided through the implentation of a diet that is naturally low in protein.  This requires us to meticulously measure, calculate, and document her daily consumption of appropriate foods, many of which must be made from scratch or purchased online from specialty stores.}

After getting past the initial shock of Bri's diagnosis, I can honestly count on one hand the times I have had a "meltdown" over the reality of her health difference.  I have generally been able to take it in stride and just do what needs to be done. I know the Lord has blessed me with the ability to do this and I am so grateful for that.  Well, tonight I got to chalk another mini meltdown onto the list.

Bri does so well with her PKU. The challenges with the diet will increase as she gets older and becomes more aware that she isn't eating the same as everyone else.  She is already starting to notice it a little bit but never fusses when I tell her a food is a food is "too high phe" {short for phenylalanine} and get her something else. She doesn't cry when we have to prick her big toe for her blood tests each week. She loves her "protein shake" that she drinks three times a day to meet her protein needs. She is such a good girl about it all.

My goal from the start has always been to make sure that she has good food options available, even if it is different from the rest of us.  The older she gets, the more I am realizing that to truely accomplish this will require increased planning and ability on my part.

This was illustrated acutely to me tonight at dinner.  We were having Navajo tacos and scones with honey butter {yum!}, which were delicious, but required a lot of multi-tasking and constant work from start to finish to get the dough made, fryer ready, condiments prepared, honey butter mixed, scones fried, etc. {My husband pitched in well.} 

By the time it was all ready, the older two kids were 'starving' and complaining at the table. Bri was also seated at the table, and it was at this point that I realized that I didn't have anything prepared for her to eat.  She was being so happy and telling me, "Thanks, Mom!" - even as she sat there with an empty plate in front of her. She didn't have enough of her allotted daily protein allowance left to eat some of her usual quick dinner options, so she ended up with a plate of lettuce and ranch {and a tangelo, but she didn't want that. "Too sour."}

As we were eating, I watched her across the table, and my mother heart broke just a little bit.
Which was weird - because she was as happy as can be! She was downing that lettuce like it was the best thing she had ever eaten and even happily humming as she did it.  She gave me no reason to feel sad for her.
But oh, how I did!  Luckily, the tears didn't come until I was cleaning up, but I was aching for two reasons.   First, as the rest of us were eating our assortment of yummy foods that had been carefully planned and prepared, she was eating - lettuce.  And second, I knew it was a lack of thought and planning ahead on my part that caused it. 

I don't want you to get worried about me. I usually do a better job at making sure she has yummy food to eat. And I know that her success in life and her ability to deal with her health difference will not be aided by me feeling pitiful about it. But oh, tonight, I just wanted that beautiful little face to not have those challenges! But I know that the Lord will make her equal to them, just as He can increase my abilities to properly care for her.

It will be interesting to find out if our new little baby has PKU as well.  Scientists would tell me that he has a 25% chance of having it.  But I know that really, the outcome is up to the Lord. When I think about the possibility of him having PKU, a wide array of thoughts run through my mind.  Ultimately though, I have come to realize through this journey with PKU that I must just have faith and trust in God and His plan for my children. 

Mothering has taught me a great lesson about what faith is. The faith I have in God is not faith that He will remove the challenges.  The faith that sustains me is trusting that God has an intentional plan for each of us. That He has a plan for each of my children and He has a plan for me.  And that because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He can make us each equal to the challenges and blessings we are given. And I am so grateful that I know this is true.  So that tonight I can have my moment and cry, and tomorrow, He can make me better.

Who Do You Think You Are?

We see ourselves in terms of yesterday & today.

Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever.

Although we might settle for less,

Heavenly Father won't,

for He sees us as the glorious

beings we are capable of becoming.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is a

gospel of transformation.

It takes us as men & women of the earth

and refines us into men & women for the eternities.

-Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

Immersed in a world where our worth is defined

by the acquisition of Possession A,B, and C

or the bearing of Title X, Y, or Z

can leave us with the sense that we have little to no value.

Doesn't it take your breath away then,

just a little bit,

to know that we have a Heavenly Father

who's love for us transcends the frailities

of an earthly existence?

To know that your worth & potential,

as His child,

is of grand measure?

That's what is does to me when I read this quote.

Because I know it's true.

Gloriously, thankfully true, made possible by the

everlasting Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

"The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of transformation."

I love that.  I need that.

Mom, Look What I Can Do!

I've decided that the previously mentioned two year old
must have it out for my couches!

This is a bucket full of dried grass clippings she brought in to enhance the decor.

And here is her other favorite habit of late:

Drawing on things with marker.
Preferably herself and her stuffed animals.
Occasionally, the walls.
I do love the special attention she gave to the belly button area.

{I know what you're thinking now.
There seems to be more of a supervision problem
than a two year old problem! ;) ha ha.
Let's just say she's just a very quietly mischievous little darling.}

Death, Taxes, and...

...LAUNDRY! These things are definite certainties of life.

When it comes to laundry, I do fine with the sorting, doing, & folding.
But I am apparently missing the necessary gene required
for putting away laundry in a timely manner!
Not sure why this is so hard for me,
but our laundry often gets nicely folded,
placed into laundry baskets to be transported to kids rooms,
and then promptly left there for up to a week. Eek!
{Which half the time requires it to be refolded after a two year old has 'helped' with it}
Anyone else have that problem, or is it just me?

And can anyone explain to me how there can manage to be this many unmatched socks in every complete cycle of laundry??  Where do the mates go?  Perhaps to the land of lost bobby pins & hair bows...

Unanswered Prayers

As we were looking at this beautiful sunset behind our house,
I thought of the Garth Brooks song, "Unanswered Prayers."

Truely, some of God's greatest gifts come in the form of unanswered prayers.
During the course of our house-hunting search,
there were at least three others that I knew that I wanted.
Each time, I had convinced myself that this was "the one" that would be best.
Each time, I prayed that things would work out.
And each time they DID work out - just not how I had intended.

And in the end, I knew again what has been shown me many times.
God is the one who really knows!
He knows what I want and what I need.
And this house is a perfect fit for us and
I am far happier here than I would be elsewhere.

Here we get to have not only a home, but a neighborhood.
I can ask to borrow a cup of sugar with ease.
My kids can have good friends and ride their bike in the street.
We can walk to church, to school, to the park, & the post office.
We can play in the comfort of our own back yard and
send the kids downstairs to play when they are restless.
We can eat pomegranates off our own trees and
sleep out under the stars {as long as the skunks stay away!}
Yes, there are also scorpions, stray dogs, and heaters to be replaced.
There is an endless list of improvements to make and dreams to dream.
But it's our dream and it's a good one.
So thank you, unanswered prayers.

Lesson Learned

Just because you think your two year old is 

quietly watching a movie downstairs,

doesn't mean she really is!

A Mother Heart

I realized that I haven't journaled much of anything about this current pregnancy of mine.

Which is strange really because it consumes so much of my thoughts and is a large contributor to my current level of joy & excitement about life.

We feel so blessed to be welcoming a new little boy to the family.

The kids are definitely excited and love to kiss my increasingly protruding stomach.

And seriously - a daughter, followed by a son, followed by a daughter, followed by a son!?!

That seriously makes me smile every time I think about it.

I seem to be much more contemplative about the miracle of pregnancy & birth this time around. The older I get and the more of life I observe, the more I realize the path of parenthood is a journey of joy, sorrow, triumph, tragedy, and personal stretching & growth that can be attained in no other way.

Whether our challenges occur in the process of trying to get our children here or happen after they arrive,I don't think any of us ever fully anticipated the experiences we are blessed/challenged to receive.

In my own small way, I have watched as some family & friends have to do everything possible to get pregnant while others have the opposite challenge and unexpectedly conceive a "bonus baby" that wasn't part of their "plan." 

I have witnessed the slow and sometimes painful process but eventual exuberance and joy associated with adoption.

I have both experienced & watched the joyful journey of a healthy pregnancy and delivery, followed by the excitement of a healthy baby.

I have both experienced and watched the joyful journey of a healthy pregnancy & delivery, followed by the unexpected blow that comes when you learn that your beautiful newborn or young child has some health challenges.

I have both experienced and seen the hearth wrenching sadness that comes because of a lost pregnancy.

Watching several friends go through this recently while I am having a healthy pregnancy{knock on wood!} has been difficult, even guilt inducing {which I know it is unfounded.}  

The fact that we are able to have babies is really just a fascinating and truly miraculous process.

But it is rarely an easy one.

I guess what really sums up my thoughts is how incredibly amazing the depth of a mother heart is.

How can pregnancy - which makes us sick, miserable, & exhausted - be something we want so deeply{and repeatedly!}?

How can a child - who can make us tired, sad, hurt, scared, angry, penitent, impatient - be someone we want so longingly?

Because the depth of a mother heart {which we innately have as women, even before we give birth}, is so great that the love we have is enough to look past all the bad things and live for the blessings that come.

Those children that do all the aforementioned things {and more}, also bring us joy, love, tenderness, learning, fulfillment, patience, compassion, creativity, selflessness, and joy beyond measure. 

Sometimes, the good seems to only happen in small increments, but it is there in abundance if we will look for it.

I am grateful for my opportunity to be a mother.

Am I perfect at it? FAR from it!

But the capacity I have been given from a loving Heavenly Father to love those children,who are too His children, is indeed humbling. And I can't wait for this little boy to get here!

Try, Try Again

Well, so I didn't get off to the sprinting head start on this journal that I hoped to.
Oh well.
I have no successful history of consistent writing,
so there is really no surprise there.

But that is why today is a new today,
and today, I will write.
And I will continue to have the goal to write consistently.

When it comes right down to it,
my journaling experiences are a good metaphor for my current life status.
During my school years, most of my goals were measurable
and I was accountable to another human being for them.  {parent, teacher, YW leader}
My "success" in school was showcased through grades, diplomas,&  degrees.
My "success" in extracurricular goals was demonstrated through games, performances, & concerts.
My "success" in church programs was measured through scripture mastery pass offs, seminary graduation, & a YW medallion.
At that age, I would have a goal, pass it off, and move on.

Now, as an aged and wise mother (cough, cough) at the ripe old age of 28,
my goals are a little different. 
Some of them are measurable - such as learning a new skill or hobby.
But I find that at the beginning of each new year,
most of my goals are the same as they have been for the past group of years. {the married/mother years}

Growing up, we are taught to work towards education, temple marriage, and having a family.
Well - check, check, and check.
So what's after that? 
I guess I am already in the "enduring to the end" stage of life.
But I have realized that even though this phrase has sort of a doomsday quality to it,
and invokes the image of a decrepit old person waiting to live out their final hours on earth,
that's not what it is about at all.

My 'enduring to the end goals' are all about becoming.
At this point, I know what I ultimately want.
I know that I am a daughter of God,
I know that He knows me and loves me,
and I know that I want to return to live with Him.
And I know that I need to cultivate qualities of my Savior in order to do that.
But these goals are going to take me longer to accomlish than my previous ones.
I no longer have daily assignments to turn in to a teacher,
I don't get a gold star from music instructors for practicing a required amount of hours,
and well, now I am the parent!

And unfortunately, knowing what I want doesn't translate automatically to doing what I should.
Which is how I can {finally} explain the "journal habits as my life metaphor."
I have good goals.  Good desires.  Good hopes.
But I fail at them.
A lot.
On a daily basis.
Which is why I have had the same goals for so long,
and I sadly expect, will have them for a whole lot longer!

But I won't give up.  Why?
Because I {exceedingly gratefully}
know that the words of the Relief Society Declaration are true.
We are beloved spirit daughters of God,
and our lives have meaning, purpose, and direction.
As a worldwide sisterhood, we are united in our devotion
to Jesus Christ, our Savior and Exemplar.
We are women of faith, virtue, vision, and charity who:

Increase our testimonies of Jesus Christ through prayer and scripture study.

Seek spiritual strength by following the promptings of the Holy Ghost.

Dedicate ourselves to strengthening marriage, families, and homes.

Find nobility in motherhood and joy in womanhood.

Delight in service and good works.

Love life and learning.

Stand for truth and righteousness.

Sustain the priesthood as the authority of God on earth.

Rejoice in the blessings of the temple,
understand our divine destiny,
and strive for exaltation.

So in a nutshell, these are the goals I will keep making baby steps towards.
I want to be able to not only know these things, but to do them.
What gives me the courage to keep trying?
To not lose all hope when I yell {again} at one of my children;
when I lose my pattern of regular scripture study;
when I am horrible at keeping my house clean;
when I spend way too much time on things with little to no value...

What gives me hope to keep trying is the absolute knowledge
I have in the truthfulness of the declarations first statement:
[I] am a beloved spirit daughter of God,
and [my] life has meaning, purpose, and direction.
This knowledge and testimony gets me through each day.
I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father.
I know that I have a Savior who's Atonement allows me to change.
I know that I can have the Holy Ghost with me to faciliate that change.

So, I will once again keep trying. And I hope you will too.

Why?

You are probably wondering WHY I would bother starting another blog

when I have such troubles updating my first!?

I love my family blog.

By doing it, I can cross 

SCRAPBOOK

JOURNAL

PHOTO DISPLAY

off my list.

But it's private. 

I fully know why I made it private.

I would hate for weirdos to have access to my children's photos and information.

But private blogs are no fun.

And I decided I wanted a dedicated place where I can write the thoughts of my heart.

Sometimes, I feel a bit preachy doing this on my family blog for some reason.

We are FAR FAR AWAY from being a perfect family.

I am FAR FAR AWAY from being that perfect Mormon Mother.

{and she doesn't exist, by the way.}

But I blog so infrequently that usually the tedious, frustrating, normal stuff doesn't get posted.

Just the happy snapshots of time, complete with photographs and mostly smiling children.

So sometimes I have a hard time throwing in the spiritual stuff on top of that,

not wanting it to further falsify the appearance of a perfect family existence.

So, here is my dedicated space to say what I want.

Anything I want. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

But mostly for giving thought & thanks to the tender mercies of the Lord.

I have much to be grateful for.

The Lord has blessed me abundantly throughout my life,

both during times of joy and ease

and during times of trial and sorrow.

And I want to record that.

So, there you have it.

The birth of a{nother} blog.