Strengthening Relationships: Focusing on the 'Whos' and the 'Whys' of gospel living instead of the "Whats'

(A friend asked me to share a talk I gave in sacrament meeting today, so here you go!)

When I was in fourth grade, I got glasses for the first time. I’ll never forget coming out of the office and being able to see clearly the individual leaves on the trees.  Those glasses were a tool that helped my eyes focus properly for the first time in a long time and I was very grateful for them. 

All of us have experiences in our lives that cause us to see clearly and refocus on what matters most.  They are usually both the best and the worst days of our life.  
For me, some of these instances have  occurred on the beautiful day that Ty and I made eternal covenants in the St George temple;

 the day each of our children were born; 
the weekend Lydia spent in the NICU because she had an hour long seizure at age 18 months;

 the phone call that my Grandpa had died unexpectedly;  
the passing of 2 other grandparents since; 
the doctor’s visit that changed our life learning about Bri’s rare disorder;

 being in the temple with Lydia for the first time;
 the rollercoaster journey of my niece’s leukemia diagnosis, the day she was declared cancer free, when she relapsed, and now as she's miraculously cancer free and thriving again.

As we passed through these experiences, the frivolities of life that we spend so much time on suddenly held little importance.  We didn’t care about the score of the game, the latest television series, the clothes anyone was wearing or the latest Facebook posts.  The laundry piled high didn’t matter much, and the decorations on the wall became unnoticed.  It is in those moments and during those times, both good and bad, that we are given the glasses to see what matters most. Pres Uchtdorf explains what that is:  “As we turn to our Heavenly Father and seek His wisdom regarding the things that matter most, we learn over and over again the importance of four key relationships: with our God, with our families, with our fellowman, and with ourselves.”

That is what we see with our glasses of clarity - people, not things. 

So how do we put the emphasis in our lives on these relationships that matter most?

It requires time and work, and the list of things we need to do to nourish each of those relationships can become overwhelming.  Even trying to decide what the basics of living the gospel are can be lengthy - scripture study, prayer, Sabbath worship, temple attendance, repentance, fasting, nurturing our marriage and family, fulfilling our callings, serving our fellowman, home and visiting teaching, doing family history and member missionary work - all amazing things, but it is easy to get caught up in the list of the “WHATS” that gospel living encourages, and feel like we are falling short.  The times that I grumble over my motherhood or my church callings are the times that I am only focused on the “to-do list.” 

There are two teachings that have been a game changer for me the last two months in reminding me how to focus on the “WHOS, AND THE WHYS in gospel living, instead of just the WHATS.”

The first is D&C 64:33:

 "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”

When I read this recently, it pricked my mother heart, speaking volumes of lessons with the simplest whisper. 

‘Be not weary in well-doing.’ 

‘Ye are laying the foundation of a great work’

‘Out of small things proceedeth that which is great’

 Weary was definitely how I was feeling as I focused primarily on my tasks that seemed to last all day and yet never be accomplished.  This feeling is not isolated to motherhood, and I would guess most everyone here has felt that same way in your own circumstances at times. 

But this verse reminded me to focus on the “WHO, AND THE WHY” behind what I do every day, instead of the “WHAT.” 

The second teaching that  has changed my attitude and behavior is a simple sentence that Pres Abbott said during our recent stake conference:  “If we love those we serve, we will do the work.”  He was referring to family history work, but it applies so well to all the work of the gospel.  ‘If we love those we serve, we will do the work.’

  

When love is our motive, we aren’t weary in our well doing.  Our actions are focused on “who” and “why” instead of just a check-list of “what’s.”  We will do the work of laundry, of dishes, of re-reading the same bedtime book again, of staying in touch with our visiting teaching sisters, of doing the chore so our spouse won’t have to, of following the prompting even when it’s inconvenient. We will do the work of compromising and  repenting and forgiving.  And we will find strength and rejuvenation through the work because it’s done in love, after the pattern of our Savior. 

So let’s look a little closer at the small and simple things that we can do to strengthen those 4 key relationships. 

God

Pres Uchtdorf teaches: “…Our relationship with God is most sacred and vital. We are His spirit children. He is our Father. He desires our happiness. As we seek Him, as we learn of His Son, Jesus Christ, as we open our hearts to the influence of the Holy Spirit, our lives become more stable and secure. We experience greater peace, joy, and fulfillment as we give our best to live according to God’s eternal plan and keep His commandments….”

In a recent email home, Sister Kaydee Bingham testified that:

“…just know that God is totally mindful of you. All of the time. He only gives us hard times so that we can learn from them and become better. I can't stress enough how important it is to turn to Him at all times, and talk to Him everyday. He never ever forgets about you, even when you might feel you've reached your lowest point. He knows when you are lost, and He knows where you are. He knows your grief. Your silent pleadings. Your fears. Your tears. It doesn't matter how you became lost...whether it's because of your own poor choices or because of circumstances beyond your control. What matters is that you are His child. And he loves you. He LOVES His children.

Never forget who you are and whose you are! That alone can get you through your hardest days.” 

 The letters from the missionaries serving in our ward are a blessing to me. I love Kaydee and her enthusiastic joy for the power of God’s love in our life. 

Returning to Pres Uchtdorf’s words: “To strengthen our relationship with God, we need some meaningful time alone with Him. Quietly focusing on daily personal prayer and scripture study, always aiming to be worthy of a current temple recommend—these will be some wise investments of our time and efforts to draw closer to our Heavenly Father.” 

One thing that Elder Arden Bundy is always encouraging us to do in his messages home is to strengthen our relationship with God through prayer.  He recently said, “I testify to all you that God is our Father in Heaven and he loves us and we need to talk to him through prayer because he misses us when we don't talk to him.”

Along with prayer, time set aside for scripture study is always a benefit to us.  The top way I have combatted weariness this year has been to wake up earlier and focus on physical and spiritual health.  It initially seemed counterintuitive to me that I could feel more awake and rejuvenated by getting less sleep, but every day that I have scripture study before my kids wake up has greatly magnified my ability that day to be more patient, productive, and happy, as well as increase my understanding of God’s word.  It has been another witness to me that when we are willing to sacrifice for the Lord, His blessings to us are exponentially greater than what we give Him.

I know that as we purposefully set aside time to focus on strengthening our relationship with God, we will come to have a greater understanding of His love for us, and our faith and trust in His plan for us will increase.  We will desire to study His word and pray because we love Him - not because we feel like it is another expected demand on our time.

Family

Our second key relationship is with our family. 

Pres Uchtdorf counsels, “We build deep and loving family relationships by doing simple things together, like family dinner and family home evening and by just having fun together. …Taking time for each other is the key for harmony at home. We talk with, rather than about, each other. We learn from each other, and we appreciate our differences as well as our commonalities. We establish a divine bond with each other as we approach God together through family prayer, gospel study, and Sunday worship.”

Elder Ballard shared a story that hits close to home:

Author Anna Quindlen reminds us not to rush past the fleeting moments. She said: “The biggest mistake I made [as a parent] is the one that most of us make. … I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of [my three children] sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day… And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less” (Loud and Clear [2004], 10–11).

Perhaps Pres. Packer said it best, “Family time is sacred time and should be protected and respected.”

Fellowman

Pres Uchtdorf says, “The third key relationship we have is with our fellowman.  We build this relationship one person at a time—by being sensitive to the needs of others, serving them, and giving of our time and talents.”  

It truly is the small and simple things we do daily that can positively impact those around us.  When we follow the Spirit, we can be prompted to help in ways that are really needed.  When one of my babies was a newborn, a friend showed up at my doorstep with lunch one day.  I needed that small and kind act that day so badly.  There are so many ways that we can serve and be like our Savior.  That is the essence of the gospel.  If we don’t turn our faith into action, and become like the Savior - what is the point of all the hours we spend here?  

When we serve others, we are blessed as well.  Elder Jaden Hollingshead described it this way:

“I know that life is full of trials and hard times but if we do all we can, turn outward, and think of others rather than our self, our big brother Jesus Christ will not forsake us but lift and give us strength to overcome all…He will not forget us.”  

One of the best things we can do for our fellow man is share the hope and joy that come through the gospel of Jesus Christ. Elder Garret Hafen issued the following challenge: “I hope everyone is reading from the Book of Mormon. One thing I try to do now more than ever on my mission is always have a BOM in my hands and to hand a BOM to everyone that I see.... for some reason it gives me great Joy when I hand a BOM to someone. It is only one of many things that me as a missionary and all of us as members can offer. Find Joy in sharing the Gospel with your neighbors, Friends and Family. There are many different ways to do missionary work!” 

Elder Addison Biasi shares his enthusiasm. He wrote, “The work is going awesome and the Lord is blessing us with success and a ton of miracles. It’s awesome to see how the Lord puts those ready for the gospel in our way.”  I recently experienced this as well. 

I have never been a very good missionary - timid in sharing my testimony in public spheres.  Growing up with the teachings of this church, it is hard for me to imagine what life is like without them. But I’ve had had a humbling opportunity that has better opened my eyes to the changes the gospel truths can bring.  Last year a good acquaintance opened up to me about many hard things she had been through in the past several years with the deaths and illnesses of close family members. It was heartbreaking to see her despair.  I hesitantly asked her if she had a faith to rely on to help give her hope and comfort?  She replied that the circumstances of her childhood had prevented her family from attending any church and it wasn’t something her husband and she had done while raising their children either.  I fumbled through some more questions and comments, sharing a small testimony on the hope and comfort that my belief in Jesus Christ has given me throughout my life, and that I knew that God loved her and has a plan for his children.  My words weren’t smooth or spectacular.  It was no model lesson in sharing the gospel.  But my love was sincere, and she could feel the spirit of what I was sharing.  I gave her a Book of Mormon the next day, and she has slowly been learning more about the Church and attending.  She doesn’t live locally, but I still try and talk with her when I can.  A few weeks ago, she opened up and shared what learning about God’s plan has done for her.  She said last year she cried every day and felt hopeless.  She now has her smile back and has peace.  She knows that she is a daughter of God and that He has a plan for us.   It was a very humbling experience for me, and made me realize how much I take what I know for granted.  It is the best gift we have been given and why wouldn’t we want to share that with others?  

Ourselves

Last year when Elder Tyler Hughes had been on his mission for 11 months, his mission president asked him how he had changed. Part of what Tyler said was, “My life has come more into focus.  I have more respect for people and for myself.”  I love that.  What we think of ourself really does matter and is the fourth key relationship to nourish.  Pres. Uchtdorf says, “It may seem odd to think of having a relationship with ourselves, but we do. Some people can’t get along with themselves. They criticize and belittle themselves all day long until they begin to hate themselves. May I suggest that you reduce the rush and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better… Learn to see yourself as Heavenly Father sees you—as His precious daughter or son with divine potential.”

I think we can strengthen our relationship with ourself as we become more confident in that divine identity, and as we do things that bring us joy.  Reading my patriarchal blessing occasionally, and going to the temple are some of my favorite ways to be reminded of how God sees me as his divine daughter. 

Another change I have made this year that has helped me not be weary in well doing has been to allow myself some time to do things I enjoy each day.  Speaking to the sisters of the Church, Elder Ballard gave advice that is applicable to everyone, “…Even as you try to cut out the extra commitments, sisters, find some time for yourself to cultivate your gifts and interests. Pick one or two things that you would like to learn or do that will enrich your life, and make time for them. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, and if you are not setting aside a little time for what replenishes you, you will have less and less to give to others, even to your children…Turn to the Lord in faith, and you will know what to do and how to do it.”

I have long since traded those fourth grade glasses for contacts, and when I get too much build-up on them - I can no longer see clearly, and have to refresh and trade them out for a new pair.  The stresses and worries of life can easily build up on us - making it hard to see clearly and focus on what matters most.  I know that as we slow down to refresh and do the WHATS of gospel living while focusing our purpose on the WHOS AND WHYS, it enables us to do the work out of love, and not get overburdened. It can help us learn HOW we can make it through the storms of life, and WHO the Lord would have us become through them.  Elder Bednar promised that “Ordinary people who faithfully, diligently, and consistently do simple things that are right before God will bring forth extraordinary results.” This is especially true when we work to strengthen our relationship with God, our family, our fellowman, and ourself.